if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
