I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
