I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
