I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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