She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
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