so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
