I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
When did angry sex become our thing?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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