I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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