I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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