Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
