Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
