hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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