I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
