Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
