please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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