I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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