I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
