i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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