Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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