Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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