I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
No subtext here. People are naked.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
