Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
