all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
