I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
