I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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