I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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