i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
