There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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