If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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