I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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