I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Found the puke drawer
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
