You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
