I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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