First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
NoShamevember. You game?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
