there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
