i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
When are your genitals available?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
