Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
