porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
