Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
