Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
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