Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
