i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
