Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
