He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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