He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
