Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
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