You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
