I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
