Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
