so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
