Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
